Blib.blob.blab.

AHHH its FINALLY here! the thing that has been CONSUMING my days, thoughts, and energy for the past 3-4 weeks is FINALLY coming to an end TOMORROW (ish)… we still have spring sing auditions, which i am STOKED about because our SONG is absolutely amazing! i honestly dont even care if other people like it :) 

but anyway…ahhh i am just…beyond proud of these girls. we honestly dont know each other all that well but its really amazing how this ONE thing can just bring us all together. the power of PASSION is something truly remarkable. sometimes for other groups in high school or even in college i didnt see a REASON for me to really be there other than the fact that i usually go (or in the case of high school, college apps were a lot of the reason). but in RV i feel like theres a REASON for me to be in the group that goes past what i am thinking about logically. everyone is SO important in bringing together this…form of ART. and even though these songs aren’t OUR songs, we have definitely made them into something thats our OWN. something that we can all identify with and feel for. dunno if this is making sense loll.

BUT all that aside, i definitely do want to change the fact that we dont know each other that well; no doubt about it. i really REALLY do love these girls. our improvement over the past few days just musically and choreo-wise is CRAZY. singing well and moving at the same time is REALLY hard. people need to realize that… 

also i feel really bad that i really havent been able to hang out with people because of this. “i cant, i have rehearsal” has been my PHRASE for the past three weeks. sighh… please be understanding everyone :( 

its always been hard for me to become close with girls. i dunno why :/ the talks ive had with guys have always been more interesting and helpful. i guess its also cuz i get annoyed at small talk real fast, and girls tend to be really good at just doing that for hours and hours. but recently ive been having AMAZING talks with sisters from kcm and from the girls in RV. and through these talks not only do i gain a better appreciation for girls, but i also come to value myself more and more. 

that sounds horribly selfish but its really been great for me. in the past few years, my self esteem has been…well nothing much. i always find myself saying sorry for just about everything, blaming things on myself so that others wouldn’t be hurt. but also i wouldnt speak up when i felt uncomfortable or get mad when i was actually the victim. and i STILL have a lot of trouble with these things…

but talking to these girls is really starting to “heal me”, as lame as that sounds. we’ve all been hurt, made to feel inferior, unworthy, useless, and unwanted. as if WE were the problem to all the things happening to us. but that is SO not true… and i cannot be MORE grateful that these girls have been so perfectly placed in my life at this time :)

ps. also wicked was SO amazing. fejiwaasdlfj how one could so intricately come up with a story that was original yet had all aspects of the wizard of oz in it is absolutely baffling!

pps. i now understand why teachers were so adamant about keeping PDA out of schools. its everywhere on campus. and its grossing me out cuz i keep running into awkward situations. and just cuz its gross. YOU ARE GOING TO SEE EACH OTHER IN AN HOUR. YOU DONT NEED TO MAKE OUT IN FRONT OF THE LECTURE ROOM DOOR >:(

“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty — it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There’s a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.” - Mother Teresa

just some notes from a video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY
never heard my exact view on religion so beautifully worded since paster paul at jubs retreat 4 years ago :’) 

they can’t fix their problems and so they just mask it, not realizing religion is like spraying perfume on a casket

it never gets to the CORE. its just behavior modification like a long list of cores. like lets dress up the outside, make it nice and neat. but its funny, thats what they used to do to mummies as the corpse rots underneath.

its not a museum for good people, its a hospital for the broken

don’t you see its so much better than following some rules

religion says do, jesus said done. religion says slave, jesus says son

he took what we all deserved. i guess thats why you call it grace.

i got a letter from myself a few days ago in the mail. it was from my very last vida in qingdao, china. AHHH man so much has changed since then. that was almost 2 years ago! and yet myself from 2 years ago was able to comfort me with the things i’m dealing with right now…crazy love from a crazy god :) which reminds me…i need to get on with reading that book.

last year was a year in which…i did not value myself at all. i LET myself get hurt, attached onto things that i tried to fill a void with, and in the end did things that i regret. i hurt people out of the loneliness i felt, out of bitterness, and out of fear. but it was also a year where i was retaught to start over. back to the basics. healing, forgiveness… and just REVELATIONS about the GIFTS ive been given. whether its old friends, new friends, old teachers, mentors, life circumstances, opportunities to prove myself, and even closed doors. if ive learned anything… its that life isnt about being INDEPENDENT and experiencing anything&everything. thats just a ticket to losing yourself to all the grotesque, meaningless crap that this fallen world continues to thrive on. i dont want to look back after another 2 years and realize that i’m in the same stubborn place i was at before. let me learn to be even MORE dependent and trusting than i have been before :) for even if i don’t know what i’m supposed to be doing for my life, i want to be TRULY at peace (not only in the mind, but in the heart) that my life is not WORTHLESS (that i meet the people i do and experience the things i do for a reason) and that there is a plan for me :D 

ahhhhhhh so sedddd AHAHAH. also. i just read the hunger games. and i LOVE IT! so exhilarating. it was so hard to put down when i was going to bed yesterday… and now i’m itching to read the next ones! i will ge them tomorrow! YEEEEE!!!! but i just watched the trailer…and now my imagination is being overtaken by the images from the trailer…noooooo….everything in my imagination looked a million times better -____-…

alsoalso…i just realized i never fulfilled one of my new years resolutions… to go to an aquarium… OH WELL! i guess that will just be a resolution to do sometime before i die. just once though…